That’s my secret…
I’m generally an angry person. I have a lot of anger for a lot of things, and I tend to dwell on my emotions quite a lot, even if I don’t outwardly show them very much at all.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a psychotic Hulk-Rage level of constant anger, I’m more of an MCU Bruce Banner in the possession of my anger:
So whilst I’m an angry person, 99.9% of the time I keep a lid on it, keep it contained and function as a normal, fairly relaxed and laid back human person, whilst this anger bubbles away within me like the liquid lave core of a planet (not entirely scientifically accurate, but it’ll hold well enough for a simple analogy).
So I had a short twitter back and forth with Husker, from Serpentis the other day regarding my look back on 2018, and how much had changed over the course of the year. In that article I wrote the following regarding the entire THH/Serpentis situation:
A wonderful guild was ripped apart to satisfy the egos and lust for glory of a few, so let this tale be a cautionary one kids: Mythic raiding is great and a lot of fun, but never, EVER, let it become you or your guild’s raison d’être, as that way lies the path of pain, dissolution and ironically less success. Take it for what it is: a challenge to be overcome and enjoyed, but never pin your hopes or reason for being to it.
In response, Husker tweeted the following:
I thought this was a mature, and polite response to what was in hindsight a still kinda bitter take on the situation early last year (around a year ago to the day actually).
This in turn caused me to examine my own attitude:
- Why am I still so bitter?
- Do I still have a right to be?
- Should I forgive and forget?
- What is the nature of forgiveness, and is it something I can do?
So it has caused me to start examining my feelings on the subject, a year on, and try to dig deeper into why I wrote what I did previously.
When the situation occurred last year it hurt. Man, it hurt like hell. That people I had been playing alongside for a year, and had formed what I thought were becoming genuine friendships, would gather behind my back and cut me out of the loop completely?
Given that I was the raid leader at the time, I had hoped that if there were any perceived issues with me doing my role that someone would have come to me and had a word.
That obviously didn’t happen and we all know what happened next.
So yes, it hurt like hell to feel like I was a part of a group then suddenly find myself completely on the outside of that, and I felt betrayed.
Even now, while writing this I can feel myself getting worked up about it again, and that’s part of why I’m writing about this, in order to examine why I still do.
I guess it still hurts, not that it happened, but more because of the manner that it went down. I still wish to this day that someone had come to me and asked if it was possible to push further, harder and progress faster. I’d have been 100% on board with that and heartily gone along with the wishes of the raid group.
That it didn’t? Well, again, that’s why I’m here now, writing this.
Do I have a right to be angry still? Well at the time, certainly I did. I had been let down by the actions of a few people, and it hurt like mad to see it all fall apart.
So a year on, am I able to forgive those that were involved?
For me to do that, I had to actually sit, and for the first time ever examine what forgiving someone actually involves, and why do people forgive?
Over the past week, I’ve come to the conclusion that forgiveness is something I don’t believe in. It’s not something to make me feel better about the whole situation. Forgiveness is something you do to make the person that has caused the situation to feel better about it and their actions.
And that in turn made me wonder, “Why would it make the person feel better?” and it dawned on me that it would make them feel better because they care about how you feel about them, and how you perceive them.
And when I realised that, I came to the realisation that if you forgive someone in order to make them feel better about your feelings about them (stick with me here), then ultimately, forgiveness is a purely selfish and narcissistic action. One designed to make you feel like the bigger person, and that’s not something I’m into tbh.
So no, I can’t forgive. Not because the actions themselves are beyond forgiveness, but because forgiveness is not something I believe is a valid action or reaction to something, because it’s not grounded in selflessness, quite the opposite actually.
So if forgiving is not something I believe in, can I forget about it, and let the anger go?
I hope so. It’s certainly something I would like to at least try to do at any rate.
I do know that realistically I shouldn’t still be harbouring resentment or anger about something that in the ultimate scheme of life in general is a small matter.
But when something matters to you, and it affects you so personally?
Yeah, it’s hard to do. Really hard.
I’m still in the process of, well, processing my feelings on it. I’ve let it sit and fester for a year in the back of my mind, mainly because it’s certainly not something I dwell on and only think about occasionally, but it does bring up all the aforementioned feelings when I do.
A year on I’ve managed to find two guilds that are both great in their own, differing ways, but I really do miss the times I had with the people in THH, as they were some of the best times I’ve ever had in the game. The camaraderie and laughs were superb, and the banter was top notch.
I guess my residing anger is rooted in, and is simply an expression of my mourning for those times, and what could’ve been, had we stuck it out and worked things out among ourselves.
I would’ve much preferred to work things out within THH and move forward than go through what came next, but it didn’t and it is now what it is.
So that’s where I should, going forward, try to leave my feelings on the whole situation, in the past.
To Serpentis, going forwards
So to Serpentis I say this: Good luck with everything you do in the future, I wish you all the success in the world and hope you enjoy your future time both in the game and in your day to day lives. You’re all great players, and people, and I miss our days in THH and will always think of those days with great affection.
Aww man, I think I finally just hit stage 4. Bugger.